The Art of Yes

Whenever I step back and feel like I’m stuck, I know it means I’m not saying yes to something.  If my plan isn’t coming to fruition, I revisit my feelings and ask myself what’s not working here.  It usually comes back around to something I don’t want to accept.  Something that I am afraid to change.

We, or maybe it’s just me, pray for an answer.  “Guide my steps” is how I like to ask.  However, there are times when the answer comes and I am like, no, I don’t like that answer or,I don’t want to do it that way.  Or, my all time go to, I’m not ready yet.  Change can be scary when you are shifting from point A to point B.  Sometimes, even overwhelming.  I reached a period where it was time to change that belief.  Midway through August, I challenged myself to a week of yes.

In that week, I spoke up and offered my opinion in two different forums, I went to a party and spoke to people I didn’t know, and I conjured up the courage to send my novel to the editor.  (It was really hard to let it go.)  Since then, I was asked to join another forum, invited out to lunch by a co-worker and invited to another party.  For this introvert, these were baby steps.  My point, though, is I’m pushing the comfort zone a little further out each time.  I feel my heart racing, my temples pulsing, so I take a deep breath and then an extra step.

I’ve changed my perspective to first ask myself what am I not saying yes to.  I also ask myself if I’m in a position to receive.  After sitting with those two question I become more open to hear an answer.  I’m more confident in accepting the solution.  The first moment I feel my heart ready to jump out of my chest, I know that means go.  Think about your first school dance.  Were you a wall flower?  Or did you just go for it?  What about that first job interview?  Do you remember wondering if your perspective employer could see the sweat on your palms?  Yeah, that’s what pushing that line of comfort feels like.

Just don’t forget to be authentic in your process, and travel in the direction of your goals.  I’ve learned that if I cannot prove that it’s not going to work, then I have no excuses to not try.  It is only by doing that we learn if it will work or not.  And only by doing can we learn what needs to be improved, kept or deleted.  And, through doing,we gain knowledge and growth.

You’ll always hear me tell you to stop and take a deep breath.  It’s because when you get present in that moment, that’s when you should ask yourself, have I truly tried everything.  Be honest with yourself.  There is something you are not saying yes to.  Don’t forget, be + do gets us to our goals.  This life is for the living, so say yes along the way.  What will you do to push your comfort zone a little further out this week.  Let me know in the comments below.

A Cog in the Machine

When I was a kid, my imaginary friend was a music mogul.  He owned the largest music company in the United States Southeast with offices also located in London, Italy and Japan.  He continually had number one albums on the Billboard charts.  He was close friends with the likes of Ted Riley, Jermaine Dupree and Madonna.  His wife was a rising star in the financial adviser industry and they had two kids.  Why was my imaginary friend not a pink bunny fairy princess, but instead a grown black man in the music industry?

MTV was new back then.  Michael Jackson and Prince were becoming the hottest artist showing up on the cover of every magazine.  The lyrics of the top ten songs were abut being yourself and dancing until the bombs went off.  The music industry was my biggest influence.  However, my desires were not with becoming a singer, a musicians or any kind of performance artist.  I wanted to be the one running things.  Even back then, I knew the stars were not the decision makers.  So my imaginary friend was Robert Rosenblaum, aka Rob Rose, owner of Rose Records.  Unfortunately, back then, the decision makers were still predominately male.

Why my walk down memory lane?  I came across this quote in an email I received that seem to sum up that last few years of my life.

“All of your suffering in life is from saying we want one thing and doing another.”  – Debbie Ford

It made me realize I had taken my eyes off of the prize.  I was busy trying to make a living instead of just living.  I had come to accept that making money was not something I necessarily had to enjoy.  I just had to provide for my family.  I had become a cog in the machine suffering in silence.  Now that I know better, I’m doing better.  My day time job is my investor and my night time hobby is my future.  Memory lane reminded me that I wanted to be one of the ones that impacted the world.

My motto for this year has been Be+Do+Have.  In living that, I’m excited that today I finished my manuscript.  I still have to edit, but the actual typing part is done.  I’m that much closer to my goals.  Rob Rose was a reminder that I was not wired to be part of the crowd, “the machine”.  I’m a writer.  A creative one.  We always manifest our own paths in our own worlds.  I’m ready to swap places with Rob.  It’s my turn to be the mogul.  And one day, one of my employees will do the same thing.  They will wake up and realize they are not where they belong.  I look forward to being their investor.  But in the meantime, keep being.

 

Failing Better: Lesson One

I didn’t set out to be an expert on failing.  I looked over the last 20 years  and I see scenes of mostly struggle and few ups thrown in there.  From a different perspective, it would be called living.  Nobody, I suppose, lives a life of all ups.  You would never know good if you never had bad.  However, right now it feels like I could use some of the good.

This time I choose to fail better.  The pattern has shown me that the ups don’t stay.  I’ve learned that life offers no guarantees.  I’m examining the mistakes and looking  for the lessons.  I’m taking notes and making a plan so as to bounce back a little faster.  I’m putting the fears to the side because I have learned that they are not real.

One of my first mistakes were not being truthful with myself and accepting I needed help.  I wasn’t open to receive out of fear of being vulnerable.  I was holding onto the pain of the times when I was vulnerable.  I convinced myself that building a wall would be the easiest thing for me.  Truth be told, building that wall around me was even more painful then allowing people to come in.  For years I tried to do it all on my own.  My confession: I can’t.

We need a tribe.  A tribe of like minded people.  A tribe that will support us and keep us accountable.  Too many times we get comfortable with people that we know we should move beyond.  We become afraid of being alone.  I can say from experience that when your eyes are opened and you look around and don’t belong, but where you are trying to go seems out of reach, settling is only going to hold you back longer from your goals.

Your tribe will come.  You do have to meet them where they are at.  That requires you putting yourself out there.  Social media has made it easier.  Apps like Facebook, Meetup and LinkIn have helped to narrow down what groups you belong to.  My Facebook page feed is splattered with grammar memes and positives quotes, and my groups include professional writers, networking with professional women and how to build a business gurus.  The same goes for my bookshelf, websites and television.  What and whom you invite in does matter.

Who do you surround yourself with?  Who is lifting you up?  Who is holding you accountable?  When you sit down and visualize your life now, and where you want to go, who’s at the dinner table?  What’s the conversation?  These questions will push your compass needles towards your tribe.  It will require action on your part.

Change Happens on a Dime

It started with a well laid plan.  Sometimes plans don’t fall through.  The unexpected will happen.  That is where resilience comes in. Being able to handle your world as it spins out of control and not jump off the edge of the Earth for relief.  But, at 45, the last thing I want to do is start over from scratch.  However, here I am.

I’m telling my story online instead of in a journal because I know someone else has gone through this.  I know my story will lead to someone else’s story of how they survived and thrived.  I’ve invited anyone who is starting over, or just looking to achieve a goal, to walk with me through this journey.  Believe. Goals. Rituals. Action. Visualize.  From down here, I can only go up.I’m confident that change will happen for the good

Step 1, Believe

Often we tell ourselves, all I have to do is set this goal then I will achieve it.  No, that is not all that you have to do.  You forgot step one.  If you have no belief in your ability, then setting a goal is going to get you no where.  So, let’s start over.  Step 1, believe.

This morning I looked at the mileage on my car.  It read 110901.  I wanted to cry.  I realized that I have put over 30,000 miles on my car in the last 16 months, and I’ve gone no where.  I’ve seen nothing but the highway between my house and my job.  I still haven’t been to Austin, San Antonio, or the Grand Canyon.  With 30,000 extra miles on my car, I should have something to show for it.  A snow globe, a post card and some really fun memories.  This lead me to rethink everything I was doing.

I sat down and wrote out my exit plan during lunch.  As I was writing, two of my upper limit beliefs popped up in my head.  The first thought was, it’s too hard.  What exactly was too hard, I’m not sure.  It was just an immediate response.  The second thought was, you have to have a good job at a good company.  This is what I was raised being told.  Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap, talks about upper limit beliefs as an unconscious idea of what we can be or have. I define them as code in our brains that need to be reprogrammed.  Reprogramming starts with believing.

Affirmations are a great reprogramming tool.  They replace the messages you have been hearing and also telling yourself since, forever.  My favorite person on the planet is Muhammad Ali.  What we called his “junk talking” were really his affirmations.  He told himself he was the greatest, therefore he became the greatest.  All of our super athletes go through these rituals.  These affirmations are their reprogramming.  They tell themselves they are winners.  However, it is not limited to just athletes.  This reprogramming, or belief system, can be done by all.

I have my exit strategy written out.  A step by step process of what needs to be achieved.  All measurable goals.  I laid the paper out and read it several times.  I heard the two thoughts over and over as I read each line to myself.  I read this paper several times with those thoughts circling like a buzzard over dead meat.  I’m aware that these thoughts are nothing but blockers.  They will override step one if I don’t do something with them.  So I tell myself, “Everything I need to achieve my goal will be provided.”  I read my exit strategy again, and repeat this line after each step.

Each morning, on my commute, as I add more miles to my car, I will tell myself that “Everything I need to achieve my goal will be provided.”  Each day I will affirm that this is possible.  I will make a list of what I need to do that day to get closer to achieving this dream of independence.  I know that as each item on my to do list is crossed off, I’m that much closer.  My confidence that much stronger.  Those bad thoughts, that much quieter.